Before considering future pathways, it would be prudent to reflect upon the road travelled so far. Having just passed  a music exam, my performance included several glaring mistakes, which was disappointing.

When performing, a foreign monster seems to take control of me, and I feel like a helpless puppet in its hands. It will come out of nowhere, unpredictable, and encompass my focus, so that nothing else exists, but the thought of escape. I feel the terror of another person’s eyes gazing upon me, scrutinising me as my fingers desperately try to play the sequence of notes I thought they had learnt so well. There is a disconnect between mind and body, which progressively drains my spirit, till there is nothing left to say apart from empty sounds. I feel myself slowly giving up to the beast, forever resigning myself to the fact that I will never be able to really connect with another.

I carry this burden along with me, as I start learning my new pieces. It seems like a stain that can’t be shifted from a pretty dress, that forever brands you. At most, I hope to learn my pieces so well, as to immunise myself against myself.


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